It is I who deal death and give life.

This is the responsorial for today.

"It is I who deal death and give life."

The fist time I heard this was maybe, 2 years ago, at my own RCIA retreat where Bro Michael was giving the speech. He being a very good speaker is very captivating and manage to make us all stay wide awake despite the heavy meals in between talks.

I cannot remember much of his topic now. But what impress me most is the dealing death and giving life part.

The summarise speech of Bro Mike is like this, in life, there are going to be ppl who deals you with red cards and BLUE cards. red cards are life depleting, meaning, it draws away my energy, spritual, faith and in other words NEGATIVE. BLUE cards on the other hand are life giving, when I do something good for others to myself, and it is POSTITIVE.

We cannot avoid being dealt with red cards. But we can do our part to avoid them. If, someone wrongs us, is unfair to us, we cannot be having the thinking of "an eye for an eye". We avoid that kind of situation.

While on the BLUE cards, it is life giving, the more I give, the more I get in return.

I think, today's responsorial verse is telling me to put aside my prejudices against other races. I hate it when I hear of terriorist attacks, killing of people just because we are not of the same faith. So much so that, I have to admit that I'm beining to see all of them as the same. Which is allowing my hatred and dislike for them to grow. Godma says, when you allow the hatred to grow and consume you, it becomes very scary and you are allowing yourself to be controlled by satan.

To be a christian, I must be filled with love and compassion for all. I must be the person who is dealing out the BLUE cards and not the red cards. I cannot avoid being dealt with red cards, but I can do my part to only deal BLUE cards.

Lord deal death and give life. The basic call of a christian is TO BE LIKE God.

So what else needs to be said in addition to this?

What is your will, Lord?

Was on the bus home fm town earlier and began to think abt my discussion with Dir on coming Wed.

Can't help but feeling worried though I have been asking for prayers to do His will. And then it occur to me. I have been asking ppl to pray for me, but me, myself seem to be taking it too lightly! I haven't been praying about it at all but just merely 'add' to my default prayers!!

And if that's what I have been doing, then of course I don't know what is the will right?!! Gosh!

Also, there was also some other thoughts and 'insights' that I had earlier.. but now when I'm trying to blog, the thoughts vanished.. *sigh*

Will try to recall it and then note it down so that I can alwasy have a reference in future.

what's the size of mustard seed?

Mt 17:14-20
A man came up to Jesus, knelt down before him, and said,“Lord, have pity on my son, who is a lunatic and suffers severely;often he falls into fire, and often into water.I brought him to your disciples, but they could not cure him.”Jesus said in reply,“O faithless and perverse generation, how long will I be with you?How long will I endure you? Bring the boy here to me.”Jesus rebuked him and the demon came out of him,and from that hour the boy was cured.Then the disciples approached Jesus in private and said,“Why could we not drive it out?”He said to them, “Because of your little faith.Amen, I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed,you will say to this mountain,‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.Nothing will be impossible for you.” Faith the size of mustard seed.

I remember Fr. Yim has preached on this passage during the homily before. He said, as long as we have faith, and if God wills it, then all things will be possible. Including driving out demons, moving mountains and even comanding the seas!

And all these will be possible if we have faith the size of mustard seed. It gets so amazing with what we can acheive for the good of God if we have faith. But the question now is, how to even acheive faith that is the size of mustard seed? Which I just did a search and found this pic. Mustard seed is really really small.

Like this only..

But how do I begin to grow my faith to even this size??

But, I think I am forgetting something. The response for today is "You forsake not those who seek you, O Lord." So with this response in mind. I guess, I shd carry on seeking the Lord God and hopefully, 1 day, my faith will be that of the mustard seed.

Postnote. This is not really turing out into the journal I have in mind.. but I think I will get the hang of it as time goes by.

a grain of Wheat

Gospel
Jn 12:24-26

Jesus said to his disciples:
“Amen, amen, I say to you,
unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies,
it remains just a grain of wheat;
but if it dies, it produces much fruit.
Whoever loves his life loses it,
and whoever hates his life in this world
will preserve it for eternal life.
Whoever serves me must follow me,
and where I am, there also will my servant be.
The Father will honor whoever serves me.”

It surprises me that on the very day that I try the faith journal, this passage is Today's reading of the wheat dying.

If the wheat does not die and fall to the ground, then that wheat will not be able to produce more wheats.

And in this case, I am the wheat, if I hang on to being what I am, do not turn away fm my sins and turn away from God and His ways then I am holding on to my own beliefs which may not what God wills for me.

And to apply the passage to my life, it would be not reading the words of God often, not praying and spending enough time with God.

Prayer:
Dear Lord, thank you for telling me to start this faith journal. I thank you for being so patient and loving with me. I am ashamed to take your patience and love for granted. Please do not give up on me, please continue to guide and to love me. Please teach me to die to myself, so that I can be more like you and do learn to do your wills. I make this prayer through Jesus Christ, my Lord, God and Saviour.
Amen.

I am YOURS, Lord.

Finally after a year long of RCIA, I was baptised on 26 March 2005 together with my class of Exodus 2006 and hubby.

As I look back and think of the journey, indeed, there are still ups and downs. I had to face my parents who were not too happy with the decision. Hubby's indecisiveness of christian or catholism. Hubby also brought me to the church he went before he know me, some Presbyterian church, he also brought me to New Creation. But I hated both. I simply just din like it.

It was like.. the 1st trip to hubby's church, I had a tummy ache which got really bad, but God is powerful. The moment I went into his house, the pain subsided. Then 2nd time, all was fine, but I din like the way communion was being done and I decided there and then. NO WAY. The visit to New Creation.. ee... I still feel as though we go and watch concert. Definately no way for me. And I got so swtiched off and turned off that I fell asleep at the summon that 1 of their foreign pastor was giving. Hubby tried to wake me up on mutliple occassions but I cannot. Slept thru the whole thing. Hubby then knew for me, it was Catholic or nothing.

There was also another occassion, during the Lentern season. when hubby and me was sitting and chatting in the park near to my parents' home. We were chatting about our faith, to be baptised or not.. if he is just a christian and I'm a catholic, our ways of worship and beliefs will vary. Then how do we teach our children? Can we live together? All these were uncertainties and fears in me. Hubby has no answer for me.. and we were both sitting there and staring at the sky.. when suddenly, I saw a green flash of light zoom past the sky. It started fm Godma's block and then down to somewhere near our current place.

I was surprised.. and when I asked hubby if he saw it, he said no. Then I know, know that it is God trying to tell me something. I still am not sure what it was He was trying to say. But I know for sure, that the green light I saw was his way of assuring me that all things will work out fine for us. =) And it did!

I was so bless with ppl who are sent into my life by God since young.. my aunt for planing the seed of faith in me when I was a kiddo. Somehow, this seed has sort of planted itself and at times when I din even realised, I turned to God.
Then I guess, I kept God for waiting too long, He called me again.. But again, I have to disappoint him.. coz of my granny.. Then I was sent into the arms and care of Ms Yip who nourished me with religious and faith stories. My whole family knew Ms Yip even my granny will enquire abt her. But yet, Ms Yip has never ever encouraged or suggest me to go for RCIA. If the suggestion came from her, I think I will not be facing much oppostion from my family. Then she left, and I got to know Shan. We spent much time on this topic and naturally, she's my Godma now. We got to know each other in RC, nothing religious at all yet, I believed God will it this way, so that he can call me to him again. And indeed He had.

So far, my faith journey is smooth, there is'nt any serious attacks by satan and in the end, the things that I fear most was all resolved. My family did not object too much. Hubby decided to go for baptism together thus we are of the same faith! Neither did his family object too much also.

Gosh, the wonders of God. He really takes care of every single thing!!

After the baptism, is the start of my life as a catholic. Till now, it's coming to 2 years, I never regretted my choice but I really do hope that I will grow to be spritually stronger and to be faithful to God always!

YOU were with me, all these time.

I don't know why, but I just knew that God will be waiting for me. Will be here the moment I'm ready.

After Secondary school I made it to the polytechnic. And there I got to know my husband, my then boyfriend. He was a christian. I was quite happy to know that. Before we got together, we were organising the Freshmen Orientation 98/99. This gave us lots of chance to work together and I got to know my ex ex supervisor. Ms Yip.

Throughout the months of working together, there were ups and downs and Ms Yip even had arguements with the other staff. But things worked out after all. I remember is a christian and it was only later that I realised she's a Catholic.

My husband being a half pass six christian, was never willing to bring me to his church despite me asking him time and again. Especially during the Christmas holidays, I will pester him. Yet, he always give me reasons and excuses to not go.. hence I came to the conclusion that.. I won't be able to know more about God. But God has other plans for me!

After the tertiary education, hubby went onto NS and I started working, and the best was, I worked under Ms Yip. She's really a good mentor. She told me abt the catholic faith, her experiences, her story, the saints.. everything! I was like a sponge, absorbing all these in and thinking and dreaming of being a catholic with hubby.. But when I told hubby the stories, he doesn't seem interested. At least in my opinion, he was not interested.

But sadly, Ms Yip left the organisation. After she left, I had no one to tell me about all these and at the same, I was involved in RC work.. and got to know another lady, Shan. At first, we did not have much common topics, we hardly knew each other. Slowly, as we worked on some projects together, we got closer and then I found out she's a CATHOLIC too!! Hooray!! Hooray!! I was sooo happy.

She listened to me, abt work, life and bf problems. She encouraged me to go for Alpha since hubby alredy knows God but I don't. I asked hubby. He was not too keen but he still went with me.

The Alpha are basics of God. I was so interested in the course, I looked forward to going and I had lots to ask and share with Shan every time the lesson ended. Hubby, was always, 'all right'.. so I hardly talk to him abt God.

Shortly after that, Alpha ended. Shan was asking me to go for RCIA - Rites of Christian Initiation for Adults. Hubby was as usual not too keen. But I was all for it. I hoped and pray that he will go for RCIA with me. Shan, I think feel the same way. Finally, hubby says ok. He will come. Our RCIA started in May 2003.

We were in town on Christmas eve and plan to go to church for midnight mass. But was caught in a massive jam. We were sooo late for mass, then I sms Shan to say that, we are not coming. She replied. NVM, come as and when you can. Mass have not started and I reserved you seats. To be honest, I din feel like going, 1st) it will end at 1 am. My parents are gonna make a ruckus. 2) we were still in town and we are already late. But thank God for Shan's insistence. We made it.

Christmas 2003 was the first ever christmas that I celebrated in church at midnight. The experience was beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes on different occasions... and that night, Christmas became sooo much more meaningful than any other Christmases I have celebrated.

YOU called me... again..

It really proves that a human being has short memory and how limited we are in not being able to link up things immediately as it happens.

After my primary school, that little prayer to God for not raining, on heindsight, I'm not sure if I gave thanks to the Lord for hearing me! =S In my secondary school, I got to know a few friends who are christian. I remember I like being with them. I like to go for their bible studies though it was not often.

At my tution agency, once, there was a play being organised by some christian group. I went. I enjoyed it very much though I got teased by my friends for saying "spirit" when asked what I wanted for drinks. haha..

After the play, there was a prayer session. And as usual, the host will ask all to close eyes and life our hands if we want God to come into our lifes. Later we were all split into smaller groups.

My leader was explaining to us why man were separated from God. She drew a picture and all. I can understand it easily enough. And again, when the prayer comes, this time, I closed my eyes. (Was old enough to finally understand that all these horrible corpse don't come out in daylight! haha) and pray with the rest.. Whenever, the leader says, Come into my life, Lord. I will add in, "Later, please wait till I grow up and when my granny is no longer around. I'm sorry I don't know when that will be, but please wait for me."

I remember thinking this and saying this througout the whole prayer session. Did feel a little guilty. But! The thing is, never for a moment did I doubt that He will not wait for me.

YOU heard me...

Ever since, my short encounters with God at THAT tender age. I stopped seeking God. But little did I know that He was with me all these time.

Fast forward to a few years, when I was a road prefect, it's my responsbility and duty to be at the traffic lights to make sure that my friends and other students will raise their hands when crossing. I remember this particular incident.

It was my duty again, and the sky was rumbling and grumbling. The signs of a heavy downpour is the next sure-est thing that will happen. Without thinking and coaching, I began to pray, in the mind of hm.. Maybe Pri 5 kid, abt 11 years old?

I said my prayer like this.

Dear Lord,
Please don't let it rain. I really like doing my duty, please please hold back the rain till we all reach home. Please let me do my duty.
If you can keep the rain away, I promise I will come to you when I grow up.
Amen.

And you know what, I firmly believe God heard my prayer. It did not rain. But I ended up forgetting this little promise till 2 years back.

YOU called me.. once...

When I was young, I mean real young. My 3rd aunt, (mom's sister) will bring me and my sister to Sunday school somewhere in Serangoon I think.

The first few times I went, I was quite afraid of all the prayers. The 'teacher' will tell us to close our eyes, and I always always hated and is very very frightened of it. (I have a mortal fear of closing eyes, in case some vampires and chinese jumping corpse - Jiang Si will jump and suck out all my blood). Yes, IT did not occur to me that I WAS in the house of God and that all these are kept far far away from me. But I was young and din understand, can?! Also, I had this fear that if I close my eyes and pray with the rest, I will turn into someone else and I don't even recongise myself anymore! Also, of course, my granny who brought us up was'nt quite keen on the idea and probably told us some stories which I cannot even remember now.

Anyway, it was soooooo long ago, I cannot even remember when. But all I know was I attended Sunday school when I was very young. I resisted the prayers but I do enjoy the singing and stories and also the games. =)

But after a few short weeks, I have no idea why, but my aunt stopped bring us to Sunday school and that's the end to my faith as a kid.

Faith Journal

I realised, I blog quite often in my 2 other blogs. Hence, in an attempt to make myself more faithful, I should keep a journal that captures my faith journey.

May not be the best, but at least, I think, it will encouraged me to read the bible at least that tiny wee bit more!

And this came about ever since the retreat that I went last Sunday in CTK. Coz Fr Bill Heng asked if we have journals, and I raised my hand thinking that it's a records of our daily lives. It was not till hubby asked me again then I realised that Fr. Bill Heng was talking about FAITH JOURNAL!! *malu*

So since that time, I was thinking of starting one.. so that I din lie to Father. Lying is a SIN leh!! Was thinking of getting a book or some kind of dairy etc.. And just last nite as I was lying down on our bed (having dozed off in front of the TV for a good 1 hour) when suddenly the solution was so clear to me!

Have a blog. It's also a journal just that I don't have to pick up a pen to write in it. And I did not have this great idea myself. I swear I really 'hear' myself thinking: "start a blog on my faith!" Of course, I firmly believe, this came from the Holy Spirit!

So here it is.. my start of my faith journal. I probably should do a kind of intro of how I came to my faith and things... but that can wait.. Too much writting in blogs for 1 working day. =P